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There seemed to be almost universal agreement that we are in fact living in times of\u00a0Toxic Resilience<\/a>, and that there is an expectation that we will continue to not only carry on carrying on, but that we will continue to do more, accomplish more, and produce more, all while getting less money, less rest, and less time off.
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Much of the pressure and expectations on us right now are outside of our control unfortunately. Workload, headcount at work, global health crises, to name but a few. But it seemed to me that the best follow-up to the Resilience and Burnout newsletter would be one that focuses on what we CAN control: our own boundaries.\u00a0
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Setting \u2013 and keeping \u2013 boundaries can be at least a partial antidote to overwhelm and stress. I recently had a client who told me her boss kept changing her mind about which projects to focus on. It was driving my client crazy; but worse than that, meant that she was working insane hours to try to deliver to constantly changing deadlines and scope. We worked on a simple script to establish boundaries: \u201cX sounds great, Boss. I am currently working on Y. I\u2019m happy to do X, but it isn\u2019t possible to do both. Which would you like me to prioritize?\u201d It was such a lightbulb moment for her! To know that she could set her own boundaries, and not silently accept working punishing overtime hours.
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Setting boundaries can be quite challenging. A lot of ambitious, high-achieving leaders want to lean in and say yes to everything. And there can be advantages to that. But in the long-term, it can be a huge drain on your energy, your time, and your wellbeing. Not to mention, saying yes often means choosing someone else\u2019s priorities over your own.
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So how do we set, and maintain, our boundaries? Here\u2019s a how-to kit!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
HOW TO #1: TYPES OF BOUNDARIES<\/mark><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s a crucial first step to establishing boundaries that we realize that we CAN. And to realize what exactly boundaries are!\u00a0Is \u201cboundary\u201d just a synonym for saying no?? I found this article to be really informative around what\u00a0types of boundaries<\/a>\u00a0there actually are. There\u2019s a wonderful infographic to demonstrate the 6 types of boundaries we have: Time, Physical, Emotional, Sexual, Intellectual\/Mental, and Material. Framing it in this way makes it much easier to identify what sort of boundaries one might need or unknowingly be ignoring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n HOW TO #2: DO YOUR THOUGHT WORK<\/mark><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Where are you depleted? What boundaries do you need? What boundaries do you ignore? It\u2019s impossible to establish boundaries without knowing first what ours need to be in order for us to optimize our resources. Some examples from her Code: What would your<\/strong> Code of Boundaries include?<\/p>\n\n\n\n HOW TO #3: BOUNDARIES \u2260 SELF-CARE<\/mark><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n There has been a lot written on the topic of \u201cself-care\u201d, and somehow self-care has morphed more into a mantra of \u201cdo yoga, meditate, take a bubble bath\u201d rather than being about each individual identifying and acting on what replenishes their energy.\u00a0 HOW TO #4: BE REALISTIC<\/mark><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Boundaries aren\u2019t just about saying no. Boundaries are about knowing your own limits. Boundaries are about recognizing that if you say yes to this, you are saying no to something else.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n We often suffer from \u201cplanning fallacy<\/a>\u201d: the misconception that we can do this task in a short amount of time. We aren\u2019t realistic about how much time tasks, projects, meetings, etc. will take us, so we bite off far more than we can chew. And that means our time boundaries aren\u2019t set well. Being realistic, and planning your time accordingly, is a key component to reducing overwhelm here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n HOW TO #5: DOSAGE<\/mark><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n You might be able to do task X in one hour. But can you do 10x in 10 hours?? One of the challenges of being overwhelmed or over-stressed, is that it can start taking us longer to do certain tasks. Because we are doing too many of them. And because we\u2019re not getting sufficient rest in between! As a result, we are not as efficient and effective as we used to be.\u00a0 HOW TO #6: BE PREPARED<\/mark><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n We can get flustered in the moment when someone asks for help\/our time\/has expectations. We are socialized to say yes! It feels much harder to say no.\u00a0![\"\"](\"https:\/\/jnhcoaching.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/05\/Screenshot-2022-05-13-at-10.16.57.png\")
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One of my friends wrote a Code of Boundaries for herself when starting a new role. Doing the thought work to create such a Code is a really strong start to establishing and enforcing your boundaries. I get goosebumps reading her Code \u2013 it is so impactful!! \ud83d\udcaa<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In my new role, I will allow myself to say no, even if that means I might disappoint a teammate.<\/em>
In my new role, I will allow myself to establish a hobby with a regular schedule in the evening<\/em>.
In my new role, I will not work more than 60 hours a week.<\/em>
In my new role, I will not take criticism and feedback personally \u2013 this is a role, not my life.<\/em>
Enormous thanks to my friend for allowing me to quote her Code here!!! It is so impactful because she did the real thought work, and I\u2019m so grateful that she was so generous as to share that with us! \ud83d\udc9c<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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\u201cSometimes self-care might look like taking a bath. And\u00a0sometimes self-care might look like speaking up, erecting boundaries, being assertive and holding yourself accountable<\/strong>.\u201d [emphasis mine]
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YES!! This article \u201cMaking Self-Care Tactical: Why You Should Focus on Boundaries not just Bubble Baths<\/a>\u201d made some really great points, and has some great suggestions and prompts for doing the thought work on your needs and boundaries.<\/p>\n\n\n\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/jnhcoaching.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/05\/2021.11.29-MM-please-tag-author-1024x1024.jpg\")
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I love this quote from James Clear:\u00a0
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Nearly everything in life has a useful zone, a desired dose. Ten minutes in the sun can energize you. Ten hours in the sun can burn you. This concept applies to many things: work, relationships, hobbies, exercise, food. What is your desired dose? What do you need right now? A little bit more or a little bit less?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
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One of the ways to make maintaining your boundaries easier is to be prepared with a scripted response. Even though “no\u201c is a complete sentence, it can feel impolite to say just that. Having a few phrases on hand (like my client above \u201cWhich do you want me to prioritize?\u201d) can make this flow much easier. I loved this post on\u00a0scripts and responses<\/a>\u00a0for different situations.\u00a0
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A few examples:
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\u201cOn Saturdays, I\u2019m not always by my phone, so I\u2019ll respond when I get a chance.\u201d
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\u201cI need to work through some thoughts. Do you have the space to listen?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
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