When I took the Leadership Circle 360\u00b0 Feedback<\/a> certification in March [which, by the way, I am now very pleased to be able to offer to clients! \ud83d\ude0a ], each of us had the opportunity to have our own 360\u00b0 Assessment done. We used our own reports to practice understanding what the data said, and learning how to identify the insights from the assessment. There are 11 \u201cReactive Tendencies\u201d (aka weaknesses) in this leadership assessment, and of course we all have at least a few! But most of us have one or two really strong points in this category.
One of mine? Perfectionism.
And as I learned through that process, perfectionism isn\u2019t actually a strength. As Gloria Steinem says, \u201cPerfectionism is internalized oppression<\/em>.\u201d It\u2019s actually very limiting. In striving for perfection, we often become too focused on a rigid expectation of an outcome and this hinders experimentation, out-of-the-box thinking, and passion for the process. \u201cProgress over perfection\u201d didn\u2019t become a clich\u00e9 out of nowhere! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I\u2019ve been learning about perfectionism and its limitations lately and thought you might enjoy learning along with me! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
PERFECTIONISM…<\/mark><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n By now, I\u2019m sure you know I\u2019m a huge fan of Bren\u00e9 Brown. I love her work and how brilliant yet accessible she is. While a guest on the Ellen show, she was asked how to get started on a project if you\u2019re a perfectionist. [Watch from minute 02:00 to 03:11<\/a>] Her answer was such a light-bulb moment for me. I hadn\u2019t thought of perfectionism in this way, but as I listened it really resonated:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cPerfectionism is something we don\u2019t understand very well. What we think it is, is we think it\u2019s being our best selves. Actually, in the research, the opposite<\/strong> of perfectionism is striving for excellence, or healthy striving. Perfectionism is actually a defence mechanism that says to us\u2026 \u2018hey if you look perfect, do perfect, and accomplish perfect, you can avoid or minimize shame, judgement and blame\u2019. So perfectionism is not about striving for excellence or being our best selves. It\u2019s how we self-protect.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Mind. Blown.\u00a0\ud83e\udd2f<\/p>\n\n\n\n All this time, I thought striving for perfection WAS striving for excellence!! But they are opposites?!?! Who knew that?!?! I sure didn\u2019t. As I listened to this interview, the truth of what Brown was saying was inarguable. I was aiming for perfection in order to be my best self.\u00a0\u00a0Such a mindset shift to realize that that\u2019s actually not the way to go about it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n BRAVE, NOT PERFECT…<\/mark><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m the first child (of three girls). I grew up with lots of expectations of academic success. Countless studies show* that girls are much less encouraged to speak up or be brave in school, and I learned early on that delivering good grades was the best way to gain approval and recognition in my environment. This was what education looked like in the 80s, and sadly to some extent still does. \u201cFrom the time I was a little girl, I had always set my sights on being the best, and every move I made was an effort to make me appear smart and competent and in turn open doors to other positions that would make me appear smart and competent. I made all these choices to build the \u2018perfect me\u2019, because I believed that would lead to the perfect life.\u201d\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Um, was she a fly on the wall of my childhood?! Because this tracks.\u00a0 BREAKING UP WITH PERFECTIONISM<\/mark><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Right. So if perfectionism isn\u2019t getting us to who, what, and where we want to be, what should we be aiming for instead? \u201cPsychologists find that one of the liabilities of perfectionism is being obsessed with maintaining your image. If you focus instead on working toward mastery, you can stay motivated to keep bettering your OWN best. \u2026 The person you\u2019re competing against is your past self, and the bar you\u2019re raising is for your future self.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n This is one of the lessons I\u2019ve learned through triathlon. I am only competing with my former self, not with anyone else. WHAT I’M READING…<\/mark><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Have you ever been seriously irritated by a literary character?? I had so many people recommend \u201cBeach Read\u201d to me, but the main character drove me mental!! She was so melodramatic and so often I thought \u201cwhy doesn\u2019t she just talk<\/strong> to her boyfriend instead of making up doomsday scenarios and wallowing in self-pity all the time?!?\u201d Such a tired trope.
I recently read Reshma Saujani\u2019s wonderful book, Brave, not Perfect<\/a>. She describes her own childhood with an almost eerie similarity to mine: <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now thankfully, this is not the one and only driving force in my life. (And hopefully not yours either!!) However, as Saujani says, \u201cSo many women stick to doing only the things at which they excel, rarely going beyond what makes them feel confident and comfortable<\/em>.\u201d
Even\u00a0knowing<\/strong>\u00a0that can have a huge impact. Recognizing that this is a pattern of behaviour, and that there is a mindset shift required to move from striving for perfection to striving for excellence is so important!! We\u2019ve talked quite a bit here about how experimenting is a good thing, and how failure can teach us a lot about how to succeed, and this is yet more data that supports and encourages that!
Saujani also gave a wonderful\u00a0TED Talk<\/a>\u00a0on \u201cBrave not perfect\u201d that\u2019s been watched over 6 million times. Well-worth 12 minutes of your time!
* According to\u00a0The Authority Gap<\/a>, \u201cboys have eight times more classroom attention than girls.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/jnhcoaching.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/06\/BRAVE-NOT-PERFECT-703x1024.jpg\")
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According to Adam Grant, \u201cFirst: recognize that excellence does not require perfection. Evidence shows that it’s aiming high, not pursuing perfection, that gets results<\/em>.\u201d
In Grant\u2019s Work Life podcast, he discusses \u201cBreaking Up with Perfectionism<\/a>\u201d (a very cool title \u2013 isn\u2019t it your teenage self that learned to strive for perfectionism? Breaking up with it is the perfect metaphor!). Perfectionism is about trying to convince others that you have achieved excellence. Perfectionism, as it turns out, is the Socialized Mind! And as we are aiming for, and working towards, the Self-Authoring Mind<\/a>, internal \u2013 not external – validation is the goal. <\/p>\n\n\n\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/jnhcoaching.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/06\/WORK-LIFE-1024x879.jpg\")
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It\u2019s certainly a journey to undo decades of perfectionism, but I think I\u2019m getting better at it. And am even enjoying the process!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So when I asked my friends for a light fun read and got \u201cread Book Lovers<\/a> by Emily Henry!\u201d [i.e. the same author who wrote the above-mentioned eye-roll-inducing misfire] I was not at all interested. But then they started telling me about the sarcastic banter between the two main characters, and how fun the story was, so I decided to give it a go. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
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